E is for Edmund
by Allyson
Summary: "I could have stopped him! I could have stopped him but we had a fight. A stupid nonsense fight and now he's . . . he's . . . and there's nothing I can do about it."


_Narnia_ – E is for Edmund

By Allyson

(A/N – C. S. Lewis owns all of _Narnia_ and its characters)

The silence was suffocating and awkward. Edmund fidgeted in his uncomfortable wooden chair. His body language screamed that in any second he was ready to bolt from the room. He cleared his throat, eyes hostile.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not going to sit here and tell you my life history. It's not going to help."

"Then why are you here?"

"I don't know!" The screech of the chair being pushed back almost drowned out the defeated sigh. "No . . . no, that's not true. There was an accident."

"What kind of accident?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Your family are worried about you."

"Leave my family out of this, you don't know them. Besides, it's what families do – worry."

~ 0 ~

"_Edmund? Edmund, where are you?" The boy's mother called out, voice rising despite her efforts to stay calm. "Heavens, I only took my eyes off him for a second," she murmured, aware of the frightened stare from her youngest daughter. She smoothed the little girl's hair down. "There, there, Lucy dear, nothing to worry about."_

_The eighteen-month-old blinked wide eyes back at her._

"_Sorry, Mum, it's all my fault," blurted her older daughter, tears streaming down her face. "I should've kept hold of him tighter."_

_Her mother leaned down to gather Susan into a quick hug. "Oh, my darling, don't cry. We will find him."_

"_Su! Su! Su!" piped up a voice from behind them, startling both mother and daughter._

"_Edmund! What have I told you about running off?" exclaimed his mother in relief._

"_Sorry," the toddler murmured with a toothy grin, unable to look abashed. "Look!"_

_From out of his pocket, Edmund pulled a long yellow ribbon into the air. Susan looked surprised and her hands instantly shot to her ponytail which she hadn't realized was missing a ribbon. They had almost lost Edmund because he had gone to find her hair ribbon._

_Susan swept her baby brother into a big hug, murmuring, "Don't ever do that to us again."_

~ 0 ~

"Do you like your sisters?"

"Of course I do, I like them. I like them a lot. Though I admit I've not always been very good at letting them know. I've got better at it though."

~ 0 ~

_There was a soft thud before the wooden door slowly pushed open. A chink of china and a muffled curse prompted the mound of bed covers to twitch and a fevered face to peak out in curiosity._

"_Lucy, are you awake?" came a familiar murmured voice as the tray was set carefully on the bedside table._

"_What are you doing?" responded the scratchy reply as Lucy struggled to sit up a bit to see her brother._

_With an almost shy look, Edmund sat down on the edge of her bed, tucking the covers back around her. "With Peter away and Su holding court, I thought you would like some company and some tea."_

_Lucy nodded enthusiastically despite her ill expression. Edmund handed her a cup of tea and helped to hold it when her shivering hands threatened to spill it. Lucy's eyes widened in surprise._

"_Honey and chamomile like Mum used to make it," she smiled. "I didn't know you knew how to make it."_

"_I thought it might help your throat," Edmund replied with a small blush. "I used to watch Mum make it when we were poorly. It's not perfect."_

"_It's wonderful!"_

"_Anyway," Edmund shrugged away the compliment. "Let's keep it a secret, eh? Can't let the whole of Narnia know their best sword fighter on horseback also makes tea. It's bad enough there's a rumor going around that Peter sews better than Susan."_

_Lucy snorted tea up her nose as she laughed, "Ed, you started that rumour!"_

_Edmund gave her an innocent expression as he handed her a tissue. Lucy snuggled happily further into her brother's side._

"_Thank you, Ed," she yawned sleepily, "for looking after me. I know you have better things to be doing."_

_Edmund watched as Lucy's eyelids drooped shut before leaning down to drop a kiss on the top of her head._

"_Anything for you, Lu," he promised. "The rest of Narnia can wait for a while."_

~ 0 ~

"Tell me about Narnia."

"No. No, I can't. Besides I don't see how it matters. Narnia's in the past. I'm not going back . . . and neither is Peter."

~ 0 ~

_The nightmare continued to roll out before Edmund's eyes as swords clashed against bodies and the cry of the fatally wounded reached his ears. Narnia's crippled army retreated but it was too late. Everything had gone wrong. He instructed the griffin he clung to, to circle one last time so that he could survey the damage and to make sure Susan, Prince Caspian and Peter had escaped. He spotted Susan first on the back of a centaur with Prince Caspian not far behind. Where was Peter?_

_Edmund didn't realize he was holding his breath in anxiety, 'don't be dead, don't be dead' a silent mantra in his head, until he let out a sigh of relief as he saw Peter gallop across the closing drawbridge and just make it to safety. Tonight had been a disaster from the start and Edmund knew without a doubt, Peter was feeling just as wretched as he was over their failed plan._

"_I should have stopped him," murmured Edmund, regretfully._

~ 0 ~

"I could have stopped him! I could have stopped him but we had a fight. A stupid nonsense fight and now he's . . . he's . . . and there's nothing I can do about it."

"What did you fight about?"

"I don't want to talk about it." The chair Edmund had been leaning on slammed back down on all four legs. "This is ridiculous. Are you just going to sit back and play God? Pretending you don't know anything. How is this helping?"

"If you talked about what happened to Pe-"

"Don't! Don't say his name."

"Why not?"

"Because if you do, it makes it real. If you make it real then I have to face facts. And I don't want to. This isn't Narnia. There are no second chances here, no miracles. I wish I could believe that I could have stopped him from getting in that accident. It was so easy back in Narnia."

~ 0 ~

_The shocked sound of a metal blade piercing flesh echoed in Edmund's ears, momentarily deafening him to the battle around him. He watched as if by slow motion Peter fell to his knees, blood seeping through his fingers. The sight of his brother in agony snapped Edmund out of his daze and sent him running to his side, oblivious to his own well-being. Grabbing Peter by the shoulders before he could crumple further to the ground, he pressed down hard on the alarmingly spreading wound, desperately looking around for help._

"_Lucy!" he shouted. "Somebody find Lucy!"_

"_Ed," stuttered Peter, in pain. "Ed, its fine."_

_Edmund's wide-eyed stare whipped back to his brother's pain clouded blue eyes. "Fine?" he repeated, incredulously. "How is this fine? You idiot, what were you thinking?"_

"_Watching . . . your . . . back," gasped Peter, with a shaky smile. "Couldn't . . . let . . . them . . . hurt . . . you . . ."_

_Edmund shook his head angrily. "When will you learn?"_

_Peter smirked but Edmund's tirade was interrupted by a centaur bearing their youngest sister. Lucy jumped down and, without hesitating, unclipped the healing potion Father Christmas had given her and poured a drop of the flower juice into Peter's mouth, despite his protests. Almost instantly, Peter's pained expression smoothed away and before Edmund's eyes the wound in his brother's side knitted itself back together._

"_Thank you," Peter smiled at his sister, who in relief gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before running off to aid an injured bear._

_Edmund pulled his brother to his feet and for one instance a meaningful look passed between them before Peter picked up his fallen sword._

"_Be careful," they both told each another in union._

_Edmund shook his head in exasperation and once again followed his brother into battle._

~ 0 ~

"Is it hard to be you?"

"What?"

"Answer the question. Why is it so hard to be you?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

"Because it is."

~ 0 ~

_It started when his father left to go to war. So gradually that no-one noticed until it was too late. Edmund withdrew into himself with each letter from the Front becoming further and further spaced apart. Susan and Peter focused their attention on helping their mother and looking after their younger sister, unknowingly leaving Edmund vulnerable to bullies. Small, thin and with no real friends he was an instant target. The sneers and jibes escalated into taunts ranging from "runt of the litter, aren't you?" to "you look nothing like your brother – are you sure you have the same father?" and finally to pushing, punching, tripping and bruising in a variety of well-timed 'accidents.'_

_Sitting in a toilet stall one lunch-time, blood pouring from his nose, Edmund realized that no-one was going to help him. Nobody cared. On the few times that Peter had been called into the school Nurse's room to collect his brother, he had just shook his head and told him how upset their mother would be to hear that Edmund had been involved in another fight again._

_If even Peter didn't care then what was the point of trying to stand up to the bullies? Pretending that a miracle would happen and the bullies would grow bored of him and leave him alone? Edmund straightened his shoulders in defiance and wiped the last of the blood off his face with his sleeve. If he couldn't beat them then he would just have to join them. Bully the bullies._

_He stormed out of the boy's toilets with a determined expression; but inside his stomach churned at the thought of what he was about to become._

~ 0 ~

"I was wrong. So wrong. Peter hadn't realized how badly the bullies had been treating me. In his own way he looked out for me, even when I didn't realize . . . no, I refused to acknowledge it. Those boys could have been ten times worse."

"But it still upset you?"

"Of course it did. It took me a long time to realize that Peter was always on my side no matter what I did. I wish I was more like him. Peter is my hope – as long as he continues to believe in me."

~ 0 ~

_Clackety-clack, clackety-clack, clackety-clack_

_For the majority of the train journey to school, Peter and Susan had both been quiet, thoughts elsewhere than in the present. Edmund and Lucy exchanged concerned glances. They were all still reeling from their sudden departure from Narnia. New friends had once again been left behind and the thought of going back to their normal lives was unsettling. But at least Edmund and Lucy could still hold onto the hope of once more returning to Narnia in the future. Peter and Susan though . . ._

_While Lucy persuaded Susan to read her book with her in an attempt to cheer her up, Edmund glared out of the window at the passing blurs of colour. It wasn't fair. Why were Peter and Susan being punished? Peter had been an absolute bear before they returned to Narnia, what felt like a lifetime ago. Would he be as bad now that he would never be High King again?_

"_It's not fair," murmured Edmund to himself, his voice almost drowned out by the other passengers on the train._

_For the first time in half an hour, Peter seemed to shake himself out of his reverie and glance over at his brooding brother._

"_What's that, Ed?" he asked._

_Edmund shook his head, aware of his brother's inquisitive stare burning into the side of his face. He didn't want to upset him with his thoughts._

"_It will be fine, you know," Peter said, sincerely. Edmund wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. "It's Caspian's turn now. Mine and Su's time is over. I guess that's what happens when it's time to grow up."_

_He nudged his brother's shoulder and the younger Pevensie reluctantly turned to look at him._

"_I will be fine, Ed, I promise," Peter told him, a determined glint in his eye. "I've accepted it and I won't behave like I did before. Aslan knows what he's doing and who knows, maybe I will get a chance to go back to Narnia when I'm old and grey and not needed here anymore."_

"_You will always be needed here," Edmund managed to reply, trying to accept Peter's words._

_Peter responded with a crooked smile. "Besides, I know Narnia will be in good hands if you can still go back."_

_Edmund's face reddened at the praise and tried to shake it off._

"_Will you be okay?" he questioned, hating the need to be reassured._

"_I will be," Peter promised, after a moment's serious thought. "Will you be okay though?"_

_Edmund wanted to shake his head, to tell his brother he didn't want to return to Narnia without him by his side. That they should never have returned to England in the first place. Instead he nodded bravely in response._

_The silence they fell back into was less tense and depressing then before._

_Clackety-clack, clackety-clack, clackety-clack_

~ 0 ~

"Now Peter's not okay." Hands tear in frustration at hair and clothes, arms swinging wildly. "This is pointless. How is this going to help? I can't believe I'm being made to stay here and talk to you while you sit there and do nothing!"

"How do you feel about that?"

A low warning growl that would usually warn away even the strongest disposition fell on deaf ears.

"You're really getting on my nerves."

"Tell me about what's troubling you and you will be free to go."

The ticking of the clock echoes in the defeated silence that follows before the chair is dragged back into position and Edmund's weary body collapsed into it.

"It should have been me," came the barely audible whisper. "Not Peter. We had another argument over Susan and the way she's been coping over Na-, never mind the details aren't important. This time, however, I sided with Su and not Pete. He looked so disappointed with me that I walked off. I wanted to just get away from the whole thing. I didn't want to fight, didn't want to argue and I know Peter didn't either.

"I didn't see the car coming until it was too late. I just remember hearing Peter shouting my name, the screech of tires and a horn . . . and then something pushing me away from the impact. It was Peter. It should have been me lying in front of that car. It was all so pointless. Peter never hurt anyone, if he die-" There was an audible painful gulp and sniff. "He can't die. I want to believe in miracles, I want my brother to live forever. Even if it means swapping places with him."

"Why do you think swapping places will help? From what I understand about your siblings, they would not agree with you. You're cleverer than that, Edmund. What do you really think?"

The loud ring of the desk telephone interrupted the question. A brief conversation full of "yes," "no" and "thank you" takes place before the receiver is replaced in the sudden tense atmosphere.

"That was your brother's doctor. Peter's finally woken up. Though it's still too early to confirm, he believes Peter will make a full recovery, minus a few broken ribs. You will be able to see him in a few hours."

Edmund's heart audibly stopped as the news sank in. "Thank you," he murmured in relief, eyes closing briefly.

"You are free to go now."

"If you don't mind, I'd like to talk some more. I have so much in my head; I don't know where to start."

"Start from the beginning."

Running a hand through his hair, Edmund gave a weary smile. "The beginning would take too long; Peter will be waiting for me. Let me start by saying I don't belong here. Su, Lucy, Peter, none of us do. But I guess we just have to keep carrying on surviving. As a family."

Leaning forwards, Edmund held his hand out in greeting. "Hello, my name is Edmund Pevensie . . ."

The End.


End file.
